While working with a client, I found that as much as she tried to move forward she still felt a great amount of frustration toward her ex. A part of her felt there was a possibility of getting back together with him in a few years. 

However, he kept on disappointing her because he wasn’t making the changes she had hoped for and was expecting him to make. As a result, she continued to carry a large amount of frustration and anger. She needed to get to the point where she released her feelings about him so she could move forward with her life. I asked her if he was standing in front of her, what would she like to say or do. She said she wanted to punch him in the face! 

Since that was not realistic, I gave her an exercise to do on her own time, then come back to our next session and report to me her results. Here is what I suggested:

I coached her to find a confidant, someone she felt comfortable with, preferably someone that knew a lot about her and her relationship with her ex. Then I told her to get an object like a pillow (something soft) and allot a sufficient amount of time to complete the exercise (at least an hour).  

Then, with her friend present, she should get out her frustrations by telling the pillow everything she would tell her ex. Also, whenever she felt so angry that she wanted to hit him, she should hit the pillow. The friend will serve as a witness, someone who can acknowledge and validate what she is saying. But, not only that, when my client felt she might be finished, she should turn to her witness and ask if she was done. If the witness thought there was more to be said, he or she should tell her. She should continue to do this until she felt she got as much as she could out of the exercise.

She came to the next session totally exhilarated. She reported that she took her friend and went into the forest. While in the forest she found a dead snake (hence the name ”Snake in the Grass”). She took a stick and beat the heck out of the snake while yelling at it all the things she wanted to say and do to her ex. She said when she felt she was done, she asked her friend if she was. Her friend reminded her of other things. She continued the exercise until she felt sufficiently satisfied. 

Her ability to release her frustration on the snake allowed her to accept the fact that their relationship was definitely over, and put the past behind her. I’m happy to report that her progress after that was fantastic! 

This is an exercise you can revisit at any time and release that lingering frustration again and again. You may not get everything out the first time, so go ahead and do it as many times as you need!